It's important to move forward
Today is a hard day. It's a day when I have a serious choice to make. I can continue my life from before, in which my every success is marred by a personal failure. Or, I can open a new chapter. A chapter without fear, remorse, toxic damage, self-deception and the rest. This new chapter is more than negation. Indeed, the negation is probably the least significant part. This new chapter is an open embrace. A call to the ancients, and to my own ancestors, and to the whole universe that I'm ready for something more. That I am no longer content to distract myself. That I want to see where this human consciousness thing can go. I've tried to start this chapter more times than I can count. But, we all know that there is a time and place for everything, and maybe this chapter's time just hadn't yet come. Until now. My life up until now has been governed by a rotating cast of principles, assertions & suppositions. It has consisted in large part of my knowing what needs to be done, and shirking the responsibility. Not in my work life, of course, things are going well enough there, but in the ways that really count. In my innermost spaces. So, it's time to make a stand. To say out loud that I demand my life line up with a stable set of principles. Not everyone believes that is important, and that's fine. I've let their arguments govern my life for too long. I'm not content to do that anymore. It's that old adage that if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. No more. Five principles govern me now - or rather I govern myself by them. Five principles that form the foundation of my religion, that act as the measuring stick for all of what I am and do from here on out. 1. Integrity - to keep my agreements (most of all to myself), to do right by the planet, people, etc 2. Purity - to take as sacred my body and mind and to only let things enter it that seem to be nourishing 3. Wonder - to make a special effort to view the world from a place of awe, humility and excitement, to notice the details yet not have to analyze them 4. Industry - to create things in the world, to make the world a better place than i found it, to not let my hands and heart become idle 5. Peace - to cultivate a deep sense of calm, focus and clarity, to never engage in activities that disturb my heart and mind The first step in all of this is to almost entirely eliminate drinking, as it tends to be the most destructive force in my life. I am giving myself small "outs" that have to do with connection with family. My focus will be on this for the next six months, but as part of that focus, I will be studying and seeking to fully understand these principles - perhaps refining them. They form my support network and paint a picture of the person I am to become. Up until now I have been a mostly happy, mostly successful person who has been wildly lucky to have such wonderful people around and such fantastic opportunities available. By the end of this process, I expect to be the same, but be utterly happy and as successful as I want to be. At this point, I am truly my greatest obstacle. I cannot let that continue.